There are a lot of stories written about ”Feedback”, and most of them are focused on “How to give”. Although, I believe that everybody should start with learning how to receive feedback. Why? At least because most people weren’t bosses at their first job, and highly likely received feedback multiple times before actually giving one for the first time.
“We all need people who will give us feedback. That’s how we improve.”
– Bill Gates
Why you will always be afraid of critical feedback
Everyone knows that receiving negative (I don’t like this adj. and explain why later) feedback may be horrible, painful, and, often, unbearable. We’re afraid of it and thus try to avoid completely. But few know that fear of feedback is an integral part of human beings.
The Limbic system and Hormones
[DISCLAIMER: I do not pretend to be a neuroscientist. Below is just a simplification of a very complex theme.]
Roughly speaking, our brain consists of three parts:
- Reptilian brain – controls instincts.
- The limbic system – controls emotions.
- Neocortex – responsible for thinking and intellect.
All signals from the external environment go, firstly, through the reptilian brain, then via the limbic system and, finally, are handled by the neocortex. The first two parts are much faster in processing signals than the neocortex. Especially when any threat is faced. It’s because they are responsible for survival: if you meet something similar to a predator, you simply do not have time to engage your critical thinking (Neocortex) to analyze if it’s really a tiger or a lion. You must be prepared for “fighting or fleeing”! The Limbic system launches standard response patterns, which were developed for thousands of years. As a result, cortisol and adrenalin are secreted, which increases heart rate, blood flow, muscle tension, etc. The goal is to create a boost of energy (either in hands to grab the weapon, or in legs to run away).
In moments of fear elder brains run the show. They will drive crime in passion, or your transformation into Usain Bolt when you meet an angry dog.
Feedback is a threat
That’s the trick, why the fear of feedback is unavoidable.
Critical feedback is always perceived as a threat!
Ancient instincts whisper, that your opponent is very similar to the predator at this moment. Your brain and body always react with the “Fight-or-flight” response! Emotions first, mind second. Add to that additional factors as not-liking the person who you speak to, your bad mood and poor physical condition, etc.
“To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.”
– Elbert Hubbard
EXERCISE
So, what can we do with that?
With Limbic system – NOTHING. With Neocortex – EXERCISE IT!
There are two options to solve the rebus:
- Replace standard patterns of the limbic system with new ones, that will be more productive during the conflict.
- Control hormones by an “intelligent brain” (neocortex).
The first option is hardly achievable, as you have to create behavioral patterns that will be more powerful than “standard” ones (remember, they have been developed for thousands of years). That’s why, for example, almost all famous speakers, musicians, politicians say, that they have jitters every time they need to go on stage, even after years of “practice”.
The second option is the rescue. Scientists have proven that stress hormones can be controlled, but if only they do not exceed a particular level specific to each individuum. If this level exceeds, emotions fully take over the mind leaving no space for rationality (I’m sure, you know what it is). Hence to prevent that moment you need:
- to train yourself to feel physical processes in your body;
- to train entirely automatic reactions of your “rational brain” which allow to rollback emotions (and, accordingly, hormones);
Below is the list of tips I suggest to consider for training.
Ask for feedback
That’s the best way to examine your current behavioral patterns. Also the more often you experience a “feedback” situation, the more often you can learn (but don’t overdo, asking for feedback five times a day is too much :-). Other benefits are that a) usually you will be ready for criticism and b) more likely the level of stress (and hormones) will be lower c) you will be able to control your emotions.
Feel your body
Monitor any physical reactions in your body: e.g. heart rate increase, perspiration, burning cheeks, muscle tension. Once you’ve detected anything, slow your breathing down intentionally, try to escape from a defensive position.
If you feel it unbearable, it’s better to ask to stop right away and continue later.
Separate people from the problem
“Examine what is said and not who speaks.”
– African proverb
It’s easier to say, but trust that in 99% of cases the person who gives you feedback would like to help you (knowingly or unknowingly).
Such kind of perception eases control of emotions significantly. Do not interrupt, ask for details and examples at the very end of the conversation. But remember, you need these details to understand YOUR behavior, but not to detect deception and conspiracy.
Consider feedback as a gift
“Treat Negative Feedback as a Gift Rather Than as a Slap in the Face.”
– Frank Sonnenberg
Finally, why don’t I like the phrase “negative feedback”?
Because I believe there is no negative feedback. It can be motivational or developmental, but it helps you to grow. Thank the people who are brave enough to give you this opportunity for free.
Photo by Frida Bredesen on Unsplash